Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tonight..

Is (Insha Allah multiplied by thousand) my last night in the hospital. I hadn't imagined that this day would come so soon - it looked endless back on Wednesday :).. But Alhamdulillah, the glad day (of departure from this place) is tomorrow. We are going back home... where there is no big screen LCD TV, no AC (continuous), loadshedding (4 times a day), bedroom fridge, dinner/lunch/breakfast trays, no room service.. ETC.

And we can't be happier about it :)

This happiness stems from a general relief that everything is a-okay and a profound gratefulness to the Creator and Sustainer, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala... for so many things, but particularly:

1. The surgery went well
2. There were no anaesthesia complications
3. The patient woke up and still saw herself on the planet, when she opened her eyes [:D]..
4. The attendant was lousy, but still managed to make the patient satisfied (almost)
5. The doctors pronounced the post-op situation to be a-okay and will get the patient dc [discharged] from hospital tomorrow.
6. That the patient is now getting up, walking about, on her own :)

And so many other things, Alhamdulillah.

With the relief, comes a heavy burden though... a burden whose roots lies in the shortcomings in a human, that emerge during the toughest times. Shortcomings like shortness of temper, lousy mood, crankiness, emotional upheavals, tears and tantrums, fuzool kee arguments and what not. Today me and the patient were literally yowling at each other. May Allah Forgive me :(:(

The whole point is, that the guilt weighs heavy on the heart, but there is no end to the extent of kindness and patience shown by people (especially family and close friends) to the attendant especially. There has been abundant idiocies during this week, quite a few arguments, and not to mention a lot of panic attacks on my part :(.. Why, you may ask?

1. Thesis submission deadline is in a month or so IA - have partially written the first chapter
2. One module (whole and the most tough) hasn't been implemented yet, not much reading done either about it... no idea what's going to happen.
3. One previous module which was working, suddenly has stopped working and I still haven't figured out why and how!
4. The whole past week was spent doing nothing, but sitting around, worrying, and having negative thoughts. Whenever I sat to work, nothing much happened.

Problem: My heart isn't in my work - and my brain keeps screaming at it to shut it and just WORK...

Wish it were this easy.
The negative spiral I found myself in the past few days, just blew out of control, despite my fierce attempts to contain it - sanity vs urge to burst out ... the problem with bursting out is that you announce to the world that you're stupid (pehlay, only you know it), and secondly - you hurt people, something you never intended to do.


So long folks.


8 comments:

Glow said...

Lolz @ pehlay only you know it and at yowling!!

Good to know that the dc has been considered and everything went according to plan...

Best of luck with the thesis!! U will do great inshAllah :)

Glow said...

waisay all that happens in stress!! panic etc... i feel its always better to contain ur anger and save it for another time when both parties are relatively calm... even if you look sad or angry and even ppl ask wats wrong atleast its better than an encounter.. :)

Uni said...

@Glow
I like your advices :P

Will try to follow them IA. The thesis is in shambles.. prayers and miracles might save me .. but not much is left now.

Thanks for dropping by! :)

Tazeen said...

Lately, I'd been thinking about ho much I'd like to pursue a phD degree (after being inspired by you) but umm... I think I'm changing my mind now because I just can't deal with more stress. =/

So much for having my name changed to Dr. TR.

Current ambition: be a better journalist.

Tazeen said...

Oh and Alhamdulillah for the patient being fine! :)

Uni said...

@Tazeen
I'm sure ur PhD is going to be wayy more fun than mine :)

Mine isn't materializing any time soon either.

Dr TR sounds cool. Go for it :)

Thanks for dropping by! :)

Tazeen said...

That made me grin. I hope Allah gives me enough strength and determination to pursue it. And to you too! :)

Uni said...

@Tazeen
Ameen :)