Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Warning: Rant Ahead!
Sorry for this post in advance. I have discovered that I am an all-rounder in depression. I am superb in catching it, extremely good at passing it to others, lovely at throwing bouts of depression around, not that great at batting it out, and worse at bowling it over. So it surfaces - in all its shiny-trophiness - from time to time.
Current affairs have really begun to give everyone a 'shock'!
The year hasn't really started off well. The drone strikes have gotten worse. Our security situation is hopeless, and not to mention the blame game is at its peak. Nobody wants to accept responsibility regarding anything. And we're always ready with the right comeback, the greatest retort (man, what was the gre word for retort?!??!), the sharpest, most wittiest repartee (that was it!), and eventually, the most individualistic satisfactory feeling of victory ever (if we ever do get the last word).
Tunisia wasn't fresh out of our minds, that the Egypt uprising has started, and getting stronger by the day. You won't find me complaining about the mubarak day (that is to come) when Hosni Mubarak leaves his throne, but I still do feel bad about the nearly 150 deaths (civilian) that have happened in that country so far. News is coming that Yemen and Jordan are also seeing strong protests against their leaders - all dictators, sitting stuck with UHU to their seats since years and years.
Speaking of UHU (glue), are our brains stuck with glue or something. How in the whole wide world does our leaders expect us to believe this hogwash of a man, a gora, merrily ghoomofying around a not-at-all posh area of Lahore, in an ultra-sophisticated car (fitted with cameras, whose feeds were being streamed live!) - even more merrily shooting at two ''robbers'' in broad daylight???????? And then, shot videos of the scene... till people caught up with him and he had to call his ''backup'' - the backup which zoomed in on the wrong side, and managed to crush a man underneath.... and seeing the murky situation, zoomed away !!? And we're to believe that this matter is going to be handled with the top-most priority.?? Priority to what? Your masters..? Or priority for justice..? A common-sense justice which calls for imprisoning this man, and making him pay for the gross violation of human rights which he blatantly carried out on another soil!
Speaking of soil... ha! Like our soiled servile... sycophantic leadership is ever going to carry out the justice it should!! They are just going to go on with their lives... wait for the matter to boil down, and then quietly hand this guy over. Even now, the delay in this matter is only coming because they must be thinking of the best way of paar-karofying this guy, without the fate of Ben Ali or Mubarak meeting them....
How can they sleep at night, I have no idea.
Speaking of sleep, my sleep pattern has taken the nastiest of turns. I am (no matter how tired I get, no matter how exhausted) totally wide-awake at 3am. It is hard to convince my brain that this is NIGHT. And its meant for sleeping. No surprises then that my mornings are quite late, and there is no depression like seeing the clock strike 11, and know that you only have cooking to look forward to, because you wasted all the time you could have spent constructively, in un-blissful oblivion.
Speaking of oblivion. Wouldn't I be glad to have a oblivion-inducing ... icecream? Sigh. The ''muzaaray'' (Arabic tense) feels tense... and the "maazi" (Arabic tense) seems like a story book with a bad ending. I keep getting pulled back to the extreme past, when a great game of throwball was the best fun time ever in school! And the game of pakran-pakraai with cousins seemed never-ending. I still remember playing kho-kho in Shogran :D... a beautiful place in Pakistan where we went for a tour with class.
And inevitably, like how bhanju is attracted to onions (to throw them around the house), I am reminded of my aims. They're intertwined in the threads that make up my memories.
They have always defined the very nature of my existence. Not that they have always remained constant.. :).. But their presence has always been there. And since everybody is prone to the nice concept of Physics, called ''Inertia" - it's not surprising that the flickering-and-dying of those aims has left a huge void - which I am not really sure what to fill with. And even though the change is not unwelcome, it promises to be scary.
I'm going nuts with Google Images :)
Lol. Anyway, no wonder I have my GRE in less than a month now, and there isn't any big motivation now to actually make the effort of picking up my books and trying to study and practice. The darn vocab has really gotten to me. I thought I'd be able to learn them (all!) by making up sentences for each word. Ha! Im on my 1000th sentence now and there is no chance (in the least) that I can actually sit and learn it like a story... its beyond depressing.
And due to this de-motivation from further study and academic career, no wonder I am no more excited about the MS project (even though I had really loved the field), and the thesis I know will be made very half-heartedly by me.
I used to be this kind of a student (since 9th grade I think):
And now... things have changed.
My worst (absolutely worst) nightmare is .... my children asking me one day,...."Mom, why in the whole wide world did you become an engineer?"
I'll probably answer them ''To engineer your tarbiyyat!!"
(while their grandma [ my mum ] says to them, "I toldddd herrr sooooo - but she neverrrr listeneeeddddddd and went to that engineering univ anywayyyyyyy)
*depressed like hell*