Friday, December 10, 2010

The Days That Went By


This post was loong due! (and btw, its going to be a loong one :$). I had thought about it in bits and pieces, as the miserable days went by, starting from Dec 1, all the way to Dec 7. Including those two, it was a total of 7 days of pure agony. Funny how small a number 7 sounds..  :). But while they were at my head, it was beyond bad.

The reason why I'd like to note down some highlights of those 7 days, is to remind myself, and all others who read this - that there are some things in life you should never do... no matter how much you want 'em. Especially when you know they're going to be bad for you. And there are some things in life you must must do... no matter how much your heart repels them... but you should! Especially when you know they're going to be good for you.

At the time I wrote my previous post, my situation was this. I had two huge courses - with big syllabi, lots to read (from two books in one subject), lecture slides and lecture notes. This whole stuff was lying there, in front of my eyes, NOT beckoning me... but issuing a warning, every time I cast my eyes on them. The panic had not settled in yet. I had called up my friend on Tuesday who had assured me that ''Hey, we will go to university tomorrow, to turn the paper in.. and we'll talk to Sir about changing the date of exam and he will'' - and I had believed that. Whole-heartedly.

Now, think rationally. Why would the date be changed mere 4 days before the scheduled paper? It wasn't possible. But the alternative was so darn terrible, that my scaredy-chicken heart had readily believed that I will go to university tomorrow, and Sir is going to extend the date, and I will merrily start Subject number 1, with my heart eased about Subject number 2. Alas, it was (duh!) not to be so. My teacher told us firmly that the time to change the date was long over, and the change hadn't happened because of the untimely leave of the only person who could have changed the date : our co-ordinator... *scowls deeply*. I was deeply shocked. Here we were. Wednesday Dec 1st,... having the first paper on Monday the 6th, and the second paper Tuesday the 7th!!!!! With almost nothing covered? How in heavens were we going to manage it??? And my friend had just had a bhanji!! (lucky no? *starts dreaming* :P). Strangely though, I looked and felt more panicky than her. Weird.

Anyway, I came home in a daze, after picking up sis the priss. The morning had already gone by. Obviously the day rushed by. With bhanju to look after, who I neglected too :( and bore his hurt glances ..., the day went by too quickly. And even though panick had set in, I still (talk about temptations! :(..) found the time to watch ''A Minute to Win It" with Sis the priss! Boy, was the stupid! (me, not the show. The show's awesome!). At night, I was dolefully looking at the clock and trying not to panick more and more. Tried to study till late night. :D. Mum was amazed...''Aren't you going to sleep?'' - it was 4.15am. ''Er, yeah... will try'' was my answer. Anyway, somehow studied till 4.30, and then crept to bed. The morning was bright and early :(... bhanju the early bird being the reason of course!

The previous post's comments had done a lot to add to the feeling of extreme shamefulness regarding not studying and wanting good grades. I mean, the two are 180 degrees out of phase! Oh well, there was nothing to it. I sat down. And tried to make a list of things I had to do, and trying to balance that with the hours I had. The list of things to do was so huge, that I nearly passed out from the enormity of it. Combined with the shock at university, that was the major turning point of the day!

And I never even looked at the laptop then :$...

Learned my lesson. But wasn't it too late? Thur, Fri, Sat and Sun. 2 Subjects, back to back. How in the world? Well, the technique was not to think about it much. And the painful thing is, that I still persisted in useless activities. I found out that I cannot study continuously for more than, 45 mins??? And after every 45 minutes, I had to (I just had to !!) pick up a Malory Towers. Man! And the 15 minutes (which sometimes stretched to half hours) seemed to fly by, as I read about Darrell's adventures and wished for the umpteenth time that I were in her shoes and could go to this wonderful school! Er, embarrassing beyond embarrassing :$, but this was the ''exam prep'' going on!

I couldn't help it. Anyway, there was cooking to do in between (except the final day and the exam days), and other chores. Chotpo helped out a load. But she had a thesis submission (for a student) deadline and was in as much pressure as I was. Mum sympathized so much, that it nearly reduced me to tears. Imagine! She went up to this bag of almonds (in their shells), and broke the shells off one by one (with her teeth!), made a potli (small bag) of almonds, and casually pointed them out to me saying that ''Dimag acha hojata hay badaam khanay say'' (the mind works better if one eats almonds regularly). Man!!

But what to do of a brain who STILL picks up a darn story book in the middle of this pressure. Ugh! I was disgusted with myself. But yeah, since I wasn't doing anything else except studying (not even glancing at the laptop), the folks were pretty weirded out. I heard Chotpo remarking in hushed up tones to my sis ''You know.. I've never seen her like this. This time, it's like, she's gone overboard - doesn't sleep except for a few hours in a day!'' ...

Ho! Overboard indeed. How can you cover 16 lecs in 3 days otherwise?? :P. Boy was I miserable or what!

To make long things... even more long (hehehe, Im pitying all the readers now :D)... I was so hot and bothered on the last night before the paper that I wrote a poem!! Lol. Here it is :D

The Night Before

I listen to the sound of silence
A silence so deep, my ears ring
The uncertainty of future looms above
I fear what tomorrow might bring

The air is thick with suppressed fear
Hard to breath, with a light heart
Threatening to wipe out ages of dreams
I fear - every ''cold start''

The silence is pierced every now and then
By the sound of gunfire
A wedding they say, Ha! Yeah right!
Of this, normal people would soon tire!

This ain't no wedding
I can hear ambulances rush by
Something's happened. Nobody knows
What's happening to us. WHY?

The dripping sound is all around us
As each ounce of our dignity drips away
We are left, hollow, deceitful
All pretences ''leaked'' into nothing, but dismay

I can't say I feel sorry for them
They had it coming. Either now or later
I jsut wish justice can be meted out
To every politician: liar - traitor!

As the silence grows heavier by the minute
I try to concentrate on ''today''
The fear for tomorrow is fresh and alive
And I can just hope, and pray... and pray.

Copyright Scared-out-of-her-witsoony 2010
- 1:40am 5th Dec, 2010
Shall I stop now? :P

Oh yeah. How did my papers go? Well, terrible obviously. But there were reasons. Subject 1 was a tough one already, and the paper was kaaaaafi tough. One question was completely out of this world. I mean, course! But Im comfortable about it, because I saw all the other faces lined with misery when the paper ended. So since I have others in my boat, its all right :D

Second one. Well, after the first one, I had to come back home and start studying immediately. For some reason, I couldn't. I tried and tried... trying to scare myself of the paper tomorrow and the loads to study. I just wouldn't put down that Malory Towers book! So finally I started studying at 12. Got till 4.45, and then hurriedly jumped into bed cuz Dad would be waking up for Tahajjud and would surely have scolded me. Sighh. Predictably, I had wads of notes left to I walked in the examination room! So ..erm wasn't great. But better than Subject number 1.

All in all, the lesson to learn here is: However much you love academics, you HAVE to give exams. If you have few days to study, please don't waste the precious 30 minutes reading Malory Towers... every hour or so! Also, don't depend on circumstances just falling into the right pieces a/c to your whims and fancies. They won't. And don't expect you'll miraculously get done with 16 lecs in 3 days. You can't. Or some way if you do, then the revision wont be able to fit in! So don't be like me. Be studious!

So long...!

PS: Wanted to write a post about today. How utterly butterly HAPPY I am !! Alhamdulillah. But somebody mentioned in a post in their blog that mentioning happy things junxes it. Not that Im a believer of jinxes... but too tired right now. And this flu and shivers, aren't helping. But even then...


majworld said...

its always a relief and happy feeling wen exams esp finals r overs..:) so enjoy ur moment..nd u ll remember these times later in life..
nd i wonder how can one read another book, a story book even, to relax from exam wud be a torture for me :p..gudluck with ur results. :)

Moon said...

I am glad the comments did get you motivated .. I so knew they would!! :D

Now that the exams are over, I'm sure you are not as tempted to read those story books as you were tempted during the prep .. it's a psychological thing and nothing to feel bad about .. the reason for those temptations is all the boriyat and mental pressure that mounts during the prep study ..

and so the solution is .. to make your surroundings joyful while studying .. maybe by going to a park, a restaurant, or doing it combined with a friend, light music (nasheeds maybe) in the background, buying lots of stuff to eat for studying etc .. all these things help to keep that sinking feeling away during prep that you are the only lonely person in this misery .. and help you stay focussed for longer hours ..

like I myself do so much fun during my exams that people say k itni tafreeh tou normal haalaat mein nahi kartay tum ... hahaha!! :D


best of luck for the many things you still need to do ... the GRE, thesis, applications, SOP, LORs etc. this is probably the best time to go about these things :)


... N.A. said...

All the best for your results! :)

Tazeen said...

I like your happy long posts. There's so much to read and we've got pictures now! :D I noticed your notes are quite neat and clean. I always doodle on mine. And they get torn and dirty. =/

Malory Towers? *grins*

All the best for your results. Something tells me it'll still be good! :)

Uni said...

Lol :).. the story book is a very cool distraction! How else would one take a break. Depends on likes/dislikes I think. One who generally doesn't like reading books wont be much happy with reading another one during exam prep :)

But Enid Blyton books just rock! Some would say they're bachkanaa - but there are still loads of lessons, in those kiddish books! :)

Thanks for dropping by!

The second comment scared me when I implemented it. The first zoomed wayy past my head. But combined with the shock of university and no date change of exams, i was in deep trouble, and HENCE the panick set in. So thanks for your role in the panick setting in :P

And nope, Im not tempted to read those story books, cuz woh mainay sari parh leen theen. Im now deeply into other novels. God Help me. But this flu-break will last till flu-end. And I agree with your no-fun-hence-bored during exam prep theory. Its veryy true. But solutions aren't practical, at least for me. I can only wish in a dream or something, to actually study in a park! :(

You have fun during exams/?? *hard to believe*
Thanks for dropping by!

Uni said...

JazakAllah so much :):) - although with the prep I did, I shouldn't really ask for much :$

Thanks :). Yeah my doodling usually refers to just writing a poem at the back of the notebook :). But generally clean yeah.

Yeah Malory Towers :D.. Something I started reading when I was 10! ! ! ... and still enjoy! ! !

And er, good of you to say that. But I hardly think it'll be great.I only hope its not among the bottom of the list.. :(

Thanks for dropping by!