Friday, November 20, 2009
What am I doing here ??
This is a warning to those who are in no mood to listen to some idiotic set of questions. No offense, but this is what I feel like doing right now.
There are too many questions flooding my brain and I have to get them out of my system. Now that I have defended my upcoming post adequately, here it comes..
1. Why do I choose the wrong things?
2. Why do I want the wrong things in life?
3. Why does every wrong thing appears to me as the right thing?
4. Why is it that every door seems to be closing in my face?
5. What is wrong with every move I make that it turns out to be null and void?
6. What is wrong with wishing to have a good education? Worldly one I mean?
7. Why don't things work out for me? (and no, I don't say why me... I have an idea how others can be a worse position).
8. What was so wrong with teaching?
9. Why, when I attend the weekly dars, I feel like a moron?
10. By moron, I meant, why do I feel like escaping this whole academic mountain that I feel determined to build, and start afresh?
11. By start afresh I surely mean, why don't I feel whatever I have done is ... right for me?
12. And thus, everything I have done loses all its importance. Why?
13. Why, with every passing day, my unsettleness is increasing, with the thoughts that whatever I'm here for, I so SURE AS HECK haven't done.
15. If I'm meant to do something else besides engineering, why doesn't it appear in front of me, wave its arms and yell "Oye! I'm the career!"
16. Why are all these questions rhetorical?
17. Why do people assume that single-hood is associated with these feelings? Last I checked, being married and having done nothing with academic degrees means that one has just wasted at least 4 years of their lives doing something they wouldn't have anything to do with, ever again! A cause for extreme concern and despair, actually. Why?
These questions nag me to no end. They get worse in the weekly Quran class. There, when the teacher talks about how she made the transition to a daa'ee, I become acutely aware of the fact that there are woefully few people on the planet, who have opted to make THIS their career. And out of those few people, most aren't really aware of current knowlegde/sciences. And my guilt increases.
These questions bug me, and unsettle me, with each passing day. Not to mention my Mum's acute indifference to my current studies (and bachelor ones too) and her stance that 'What in heavens will you achieve with this, just tell me?" whenever I moan and groan about exams... this whole attitude (besides annoying me), again gives rise to questions. I live with this, the doubt, the uncertainty, the growing dismay/despair. And I have no respite.
Till now, I have done nothing worth mentioning in my life. Worse, I was questioned when I took admission in the particular department where I am studying "What are you doing here?" ... and now, I ask myself the same question.