Friday, November 20, 2009

What am I doing here ??

This is a warning to those who are in no mood to listen to some idiotic set of questions. No offense, but this is what I feel like doing right now.

There are too many questions flooding my brain and I have to get them out of my system. Now that I have defended my upcoming post adequately, here it comes..

1. Why do I choose the wrong things?
2. Why do I want the wrong things in life?
3. Why does every wrong thing appears to me as the right thing?
4. Why is it that every door seems to be closing in my face?
5. What is wrong with every move I make that it turns out to be null and void?
6. What is wrong with wishing to have a good education? Worldly one I mean?
7. Why don't things work out for me?  (and no, I don't say why me... I have an idea how others can be a worse position).
8. What was so wrong with teaching?
9. Why, when I attend the weekly dars, I feel like a moron?
10. By moron, I meant, why do I feel like escaping this whole academic mountain that I feel determined to build, and start afresh?
11. By start afresh I surely mean, why don't I feel whatever I have done is ... right for me?
12. And thus, everything I have done loses all its importance. Why?
13. Why, with every passing day, my unsettleness is increasing, with the thoughts that whatever I'm here for, I so SURE AS HECK haven't done.
15. If I'm meant to do something else besides engineering, why doesn't it appear in front of me, wave its arms and yell "Oye! I'm the career!"
16. Why are all these questions rhetorical?
17. Why do people assume that single-hood is associated with these feelings? Last I checked, being married and having done nothing with academic degrees means that one has just wasted at least 4 years of their lives doing something they wouldn't have anything to do with, ever again! A cause for extreme concern and despair, actually. Why?

Why indeed.

These questions nag me to no end. They get worse in the weekly Quran class. There, when the teacher talks about how she made the transition to a daa'ee, I become acutely aware of the fact that there are woefully few people on the planet, who have opted to make THIS their career. And out of those few people, most aren't really aware of current knowlegde/sciences. And my guilt increases.

These questions bug me, and unsettle me, with each passing day. Not to mention my Mum's acute indifference to my current studies (and bachelor ones too) and her stance that 'What in heavens will you achieve with this, just tell me?" whenever I moan and groan about exams... this whole attitude (besides annoying me), again gives rise to questions. I live with this, the doubt, the uncertainty, the growing dismay/despair. And I have no respite.

Till now, I have done nothing worth mentioning in my life. Worse, I was questioned when I took admission in the particular department where I am studying "What are you doing here?" ... and now, I ask myself the same question.


yousuf said...

1. -> we are humans, we all make mistakes. :)

2. -> we all do, its a constant struggle between want and need.

3. -> skewed sense of reality? tell me about it :P

4. -> don't stare at the closing door for too long. You will get to miss many opening doors that might appear :).

-> 5/6/7 till 15. this might help

16 -> unstable feedback loop? probably because of a missing variable? :o

17. -> see latter ;)

Sony said...

When we ask ourselves a question... especially a personal one regarding our choices and actions, I believe we always have a tendency to frame them in such a way so as to make them distracting (like a question)and ironically enough, dilutes them (burden of choice maybe?) to a state of non answer.

Like for example I am wearing a red shirt. If I were to ask myself "Why am I wearing this red shirt?"... the question framing method I chose to ask myself is distracting me from the true nature of my observation - which is that I do not like red (or to see myself wearing red). Now I know this in a blink... because if i did not observe this, I wouldn't be able to make up a question like "Why am i wearing red?", whose only purpose is to guide me away from my opinion of seeing myself in red... and to focus on a non essential "pseudo curiosity" of why I chose red for myself. There is no "real" answer :P

Now here's the interesting thing... Because Its obvious that I chose to wear it... and the natural deduction that I wear what I like... So i come to the conclusion that I did the right thing by wearing red and that I like it. But this is completely in contradiction to what I feel right? Its quite hard (and non intuitive) for me to disagree with my decision to wear red and to justify my true feelings for the red shirt (the poor red shirt!). So with that false reinforcement, I will keep helplessly wearing red. Maybe its a defense mechanism that kicks in at the slightest hint of knowing or discovering anything about yourself... works beautifully when it comes to things like religion, respect elders, love your family, etc.

So the next time you ask yourself a question, realize that at the core of it is a disapproval for something. Explore that "sometihng" in detail... the answers will almost never be pleasant and the ambiguity will drive you mad at first, but I can guarantee you that there's peace in the long run :)

Uni said...

The video link you posted, thanks very much for it. Have seen it before. But ... I'm never REALLY inspired by these inspirational lectures (and I have seen quite a few). Take this one only. He talks about how great his life turned out to be, and how the dots managed to connect themselves, but the main thing is, that he figured it out AFTER that entire time period had gone by.

To iss baat main kia khushi hay/ :P.. one doesn't even know how long they're going to live.

About the present, one good advice he gives is "Do what you love" .. and that's followable..

Only that when the things one loves, don't seem to work out.. that's another thought to ponder upon.

But thanks for the comments. I'll just take comfort from the fact that since we're humans, we're prone to making mistakes and learning this way.

Thanks for dropping by!

Uni said...


After staring at the comment for some time, I think I understand what you mean :P

The fact is, that this is nothing hidden (nor did I try to) that I'm not entirely satisfied with the way things are working out right now. So every question is definitely a reflection of that. Points 2 and 4 relate to specific incidents (unpleasant of course) of my life.

Thus, your analysis stands correct, and it's not easy to accept these bitter pills :)..yeah. But the reason these are QUESTIONS because I have no idea what to do about these "dissaprovals" of my life :P..

And that's where the confusion lies.

Thanks so much for the comment.

Ash said...

Exactly my thoughts :( I love studying but at times i don't see any point as I can't imagine myself working full time for the rest of my life. (Im an engineering majior female in Pak)
Its so confusing. I think why did I come here then?! I just answer it in this way that by coming here i will be gaining so many skills that can be beneficial in ways i do not yet know. I may be able to help others. So many areas of knowlege will be open to me after going through this. (I'm a great believer in lifetime learning)
I don't want to do a full-time male type job! The thing that confuses me is that this life is a test for the hereafter. So is it not that i am wasting my life (that's just given once) to something unimportant on the expense on more important things....? that's a scary thought :(

Uni said...

I actually had to go back and read the whole blog post again, in order to understand what I had written 3 years ago :):).

I was surely an unhappy soul back then. Things are definitely different now. The engineering degrees I struggled through (and found meaningless at the time) actually were not meaningless. And I'm not saying that because I landed up in a PhD program in a US school. It's just that when you are learning something you did not know before, you're better off than what you were before. If we keep that principle in mind, nothing (knowledge, I mean) seems meaningless.

I believe females (even without entering the male-dominated jobs) can educate themselves in these areas (IF and only if, they have interest in this stuff)...and still make themselves useful for the future.


1. Many women home-school their kids. Imagine a creative scientist of a woman, coming up with a home-schooling plan for her child.

2. Women teach. Imagine teaching in a great university and being fulfilled every single day of your life?

3. Women leave their careers, and become home-makers. Imagine running a consulting business right out of your living room.

4. Women may become pretty busy with kids and all. Imagine running a website with all the knowledge you have gathered in your years, and make it easy for readers to understand.

All worthwhile choices. All of them, away from the traditional 9-5 office scene. Something I myself am not a very big fan of.

So keep at it. But remember. The minute you start hating it, please don't hesitate to leave.

Thanks for dropping by :)