Friday, November 28, 2008
So today the result is finally out. Annual Exams of 2008, final year.. A year full of.. toil and diligence ?
I think not.
For me, it was more a year full of trials and tribulations. Indeed, I remember wondering during the final exams of 2007, that how am I going to get ANY work done NEXT year? When there is going to be no SIS THE PRISS around to do the work??
That was my main worry :P.. (sorry sis.. its not like you're only useful for house work, you're loveable anyway...), but that was one major problem i had been dreading. And that is exactly what happened. Since July 2008, I hardly got time for books. Gone were the days when I could easily sit for a few hours lazily reading a textbook (they have pretty interesting facts in those little boxes).. and could hardly keep up with the assignments, tests... sessionals..what NOT.
What with the project and the khwari associated with it, the report writing, and the khwari associated with it, the handling of housework all on my own, and juggling parhai and taraweeh in Ramadan... it was a wonder if I could have two straight hours of study...
THUS.. I wasn't expecting a very good result...I don't care about positions, but wished (rather dreamed about a nice percentage)... and was sure I wouldn't be able to get it. This time. Didn't stop me from prayers waisay..:S
Khair :D:D:D.. so today .. when I found out that my percentage is 92.9.. I was like ..flabbergasted at first.. It was totally unexpected! What with the silly papers, my silly attempts, even sillier tukkas (guesswork), frantic last minute studying, worrying about not studying, other idiotic details that hindered my work.... It was just...
And that's what makes me happy when I look at the indeed, truncated rational number 92.93333333333 :). That this number could come into being when my parhai had gone so hopeless...! When I had been feeling that this time, the percentage curve would go down! And this time, I will surely disappoint my people. That reminds me..
The reaction of my folks was typical :P.. Dad was elated ! Mum was smiling, but said nothing MUCH. Sis was ecstatic, and Chotpo was like "But 7th position?? That's too faaarr dooowwnnn" ..:S.. That stung. But only briefly :).. I know I do not FUNCTION like the position holders.. You have to be on another planet to function like that :S.. Plus.. being 7th is no way an indication that Im the 7th most intelligent person in class. No possible way *deep sigh*.. How I wish that were true waisay.
Anyway :D.. so today was a nice day Alhamdulillah! My silver lining..
At least SOMETHING worked out nicely!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
There SHOULD be meaningless posts.
So here is one :)... When I was cleaning out my cluttered drawer, I found my toys.. things that bring pleasure to me... things I play with :P...and show kids when they come here :S...
And get quite a lot of daants (scolding) for keeping stuff like this: -
Not bad huh?
Here's another one:
Life like, wouldn't you say ? I have managed to get quite a lot of screams from unsuspecting guests (less than 60 years old of course **innocently**)... and this lil er, creepy crawly has gained quite a reputation.
Cool isn't it :)
And finally : One that has given me loads of "Oh GROSS!!!" from friends and family alike :P .. it can be easily put in sharbet kay glasses (drinks).. and given to unsuspecting ladies (especially ladies...) and their expressions are remarkable :D:D:D
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Unfortunately, the general perception is that somebody who sits silently in class, is not so clever, since he/she has nothing to say.
I have experienced this phenomenon myself in many situations where you're sitting in a group discussion, or a course, or a seminar. And you see people all around you talking at the top of their voices, some of them even making sense :)..
The ones who TALK, regardless of whether they make sense or not, are commended. Because apparently, they had the GUTS to speak nonsense. But those who had the good sense to keep quiet, are termed as "shy, backward etc"
Now in my own class, where I have had the honor of spending four long years, there were some people, always in the limelight. They spoke confidently, they got amazing grades, they could answer well in class. Some even memorized answers before coming to class, to appear "smart" in our Engineering Economics subject. All this was done with the sole intention of gaining some marks and appearing intelligent.
In this way, we, somehow, had this fixed idea, of who is intelligent in our class, and who isn't. Who puts him/herself forward in the classroom, and who doesn't. And if somebody doesn't, are they STILL smart, or they aren't. And if people bunk classes, are they still smart, or are they not? The answers to these were fixed in our brains.. Sometimes, "positions" did it, or some "opinions" did it.. Maybe "sessionals" also played a role. I don't know.
But I did know one thing. In our third year, we had a course called Business Communications and Ethics. In this subject, we were required to present a book report after reading a book of our own choice as an assignment. I had been responsible for making out that list, and submitting it to the teacher. One entry caught my eye.. The book's name was , er, my wonderful memory.. wait..
The book was "College Algebra" And that means it was a core Math TEXTBOOK! .. Somebody had been planning to write a book report on a core Math TEXTBOOK. I couldn't believe my eyes. You need to have a certain, er, twist of mind, which would enable you to write a report on a .. Math textbook!! Not to mention, the person who had selected this title, was NOT a very vocal person in class. So it was even more surprising. The brain hadn't shouted out to be noticed at all.
Anyway, what I did find out with that little incident, was that in our institutes, apparently, the brain remains an untapped entity, with no real potential to grow. I could FEEL it in all the times I stared hopelessly at our notes, trying to learn senselessly.. Indeed, one friend remarked (seeing my plight) : "Look, stop trying to make sense out of it, believe me, it will become EASY"
Monday, November 24, 2008
Yesterday was lovely :D… I got to swing around a two week old baby, earn the shrieks of my sis and mum who were watching me, and then I rocked it, and it fell asleep!!!!
Man! Wasn’t that the most amazing thing that could happen.. I mean, I got to smirk at mum AND sis, that their yelling had been totally wasted. The little pinkiewinkie liked me! HAH !
.. Yesterday night was nasty.. I think I did get some hours of sleep.. but it was nasty I tell you.
Today was again, better ! Shukkar..(I think my spirits sink with the sun..Im sure of that now).. This talking to people about the “scope” of things in Pakistan helps a bit. I mean, I got to know that yes, there is scope for Satellite Communications in Pakistan, and a pretty neat course is being offered at the University of Surrey.. I checked out their programs.. NEAT.
Also, found out that Biomedical Engineering is not just restricted to our Biochem departments! I mean, there IS something like biomed signal processing going on in Karachi!! My own two teachers have worked on that only, one on er, something like signal transmissions when your arm moves (or something on those lines)..and another teacher worked on …er, what was that… ECG I think.
But the point is, that we HAVE equipment! And er, we need skillful people to operate and use it, that’s why it is just lying in packages in our newly built campus!
So if I do apply in these programs, my future MAY not be as empty as it seems right now.
*sigh*.. I just need scholarships though. And permission…of course.
Today was an outing with friends :) Turned out great! I so miss having people my own age around. I mean, sis is a phone call away.. but Im a pessimist, so I concentrate more on the “away” part rather than the “one phone call” bit… :P
We talked about a load of things :).. Everybody’s favorite question “Acha to ab aagay ka kia plan hay” :S.. Toughest question on the planet these days. We’re going on a lunch and a movie IA day after tomorrow. Movie suggestions were asked around. I hopefully put in my suggestions … Little Rascals was shot down at once.. *frown* I wonder why. Maybe they want mature..! I suggested “High School Musical”.. extremely silly, yes, but FUN. Er, didn’t sit well either. The scowling bit is that these jungly friends of mine said “Iss ko WOH wali film dikhatay hain.. is ki shakal daikhaingay” .. And what, indeed , was that WOH wali film? Er, lemme think. It wass…. Ummm … rhymed with Farzana I think….…oh YEAH. Dostana!..
I scowled.. I wonder what’s in it to watch MY face through this movie.. But somehow....I don’t wanna find out..
Little Rascals is better :D
PS: This kid in the picture is scowling at my mum :P.. Is that cool or WHAT!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Me: So why are you here?
Her: I'm here because I have to be. If I had a choice, I wouldn't be here.
Me: Don't you feel cold, living on the terrace? This biting air...etc?
Her: I love it. In gaaoon (village), in this weather, we sleep outdoors. On seriously cold nights, we sleep indoors.
Me: Wow. Village life must be pretty interesting.
Her: Oh yes (wistfully). I miss it soo much
Me: So how long have you been in Karachi?
Her: Around 10 years.
Me: That's a LONG time!! When do you plan to go back?
Her: Majburi hay beta (It's a compulsion). I can't help it. I HAVE to earn money and send it back home
Me (oh so tactful as usual): But thats BAD. Don't you MISS Home????
Her: Of course I do... But can I help it? In villages, there is no work. And i don't have a husband so he could look after me. I have to take care of myself, as well as my younger unmarried sisters!
Me: Yeah... Well you bear it well
Her: I have to. There is no other way. So I smile and go about my day
Me: But it's a constant ache. Can't you just earn a bulk of money and go back to your home, if you miss it so much??
Her: I wish.. But whatever I earn, I send most of it home, and they live on it. If I stop earning, who is going to earn the livelihood then?
Her: But it's okay :) Allah Helps those who are patient. I am going on a month holiday! I am so looking forward to it.
The burden on my heart eased somewhat. Look at her. Suffering alone in a big house, working away. Her life going by this way... on and on and on. I learn from people like her. I learn to withold my complaints about life.. to hold back my outbursts on the unfairness of some things on this planet... to be patient about a lot of things, and always, always hope for the best.
As I said, the terrible weight weighing down my heart was somehow eased by this conversation. Allah shukkar :)
How am I faring
What do I answer
My eyes unstaring
Looking at nothing
Nothing beyond this
A moment of utter
I kind of envy
The time before NOW
I cherish it, want to relive it
You can't redefine moments
You can't turn back time
You can't make stupidity
All dandy and fine
You can just watch
Make yourself tough
Against all the bad
Bad AND sad stuff
Life goes on
This will pass
But Oh God, a prayer
Make it go fast
Make me oblivious
Make me forget
I can blame noone
So let me start afresh
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Look. I love my friends. I just don't like dholkis. I don't see a POINT to sitting in a circle, clapping your hands like crazy, one girl hitting the drum like crazy, warbling at the top of your voices about some yellow suit which arrived from goodness knows where along with green green bangles !!
There is just no POINT in a dholki....
I am a hopeless spoil-sport. I try to make SENSE out of everything. Friends tell me , "kuch cheezain AEWEEN hoti hain" ... (There are some things in the world, that are there just for the heck of it)
And I just can't digest that!! I try, seriously I do. I paste a big smile on my face, like I will do about 1 hour from now, clap my hands politely, sit daintily, grin encouragingly at all the human beings who think its an amazing exercise to dance to an idiotic song, and generally look as I'm having a fab time.
When all I am thinking of is ... maybe my next blog post :P
Life is crazy. What with the hunt for a good UK university (I am so LOST in all they have to offer, I wish there were less variety), and now this dholki I have to go to.
I tried getting out of it. Asked my friend veeerrryyy hopefully, whether I could bunk it. I told her I am no good addition to an event like a dholki. But she wouldn't hear it. We're not best friends for nothing right.. so I HAVE to go.
Thank the Lord she doesn't blog :D..Even if she does, er, I'm still going to this event right? SO she still means a lot to me... (take that!)
Khair, I have to run.. *huge sigh* It's going to be ONE ...LONG evening.
*walks off mournfully*
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I don't see her telling me "I MADE PROSOBEE for you and you behave like THIS!!" .. er, although she may very WELL tell me that due to the way I behave sometimes. The person who gave me the following honor : Uni is the only person who challenges me in an argument.
The person who did not complain throughout these miserable vivas, and did all the work herself, urging me to go and study whenever I did offer to help. The person who constantly reminds me of my duties, my responsibilities, er, not particularly as an engineer, more like, responsibilites to the Ummah. And how to become a good Muslimah etc. She is a wealth of knowledge (both worldly and deeny) and I wish I could become 1/10 of what she is.
Um, and I also wish she blogged (lol, its hard to imagine her even sitting in front of the computer). So she could read all this ! Khair anyway, I hope and pray I , someday, become , what she wants her children to be.
Er, but I DO protest, (refering to the fight we had yesterday), for a new oven. I need to know how to cook!! And this is a positive step, not a negative. AND.. I need to study abroad, at least for a year... AND I really did want that video game shaped like an airplane.. AND.. *trails away shamefaced*.. I mean, all this aside.. **clears her throat**
Here is to you mum....
PS: This song is one of my favorites, although I don't like the ending :(... but it shows a little girl's appreciation of a MOM and all what a mom depicts. That's the captivating part :). Hope you liked it.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I welcome it
Silence is unbearable
Too much white
No murk, no dirt
Shouts and laughter
Cries and sobs
Even sneezes and hiccups
Are signs of humanity
Of life, of emotions
Which is certainly better than...
This idiotic poem is loads better than the Jan 12 post which I was about to paste here again..with some minor changes. So bear with it
Monday, November 10, 2008
The day was moronic. No surprise , I know ! Basically, taking all vivas non seriously, I thought I would get away today as well. This was not to be so. This teacher was very determined to see who has studied and who hasn't. AND I like this teacher so much, and the subject, that I won't even blame her. ONE bit. The fault is entirely entirely mine. I had neglected the subject and made those stupid slides yesterday .. and wasted my time too!
*scowls at herself*
What ELSE didn't I do wrong today ? *sarcastically*. Let's think. I had planned not to use AC in the car like a nawab on wheels. Basically it eats up a lot of gas, a lot from your pocket, and makes you oblivious to the plight of the poor etc etc. So I had thought not to do that. But I did.
I happen to have this..er, habit of either reciting the Quran, or singing a nasheed, when I am driving alone. With all windows closed, this would have not been a bad choice. But what did I do. Oh yes sireee..I switched on the radio. And of course! The song that was coming, a lovey, dovey sappy idiotic song.. older song.. I knew some words.
So here I was, driving in the scorching heat of 1.00 pm, warbling a song about ... some love lost !!
I didn't come to my senses throughout this stupid ride.
Not only that, I came home to rest, and haha ! rest ? I think not.. These two hopeful masis (domestic help) had come, with probably a secret hope that we might hire them.
*Deep sigh*... Politically once more, we had to sit with them and not do any big work around the house, or they might have offered which we certainly did not want!
I was so sick of all this, that I wandered outside, where this kitten of mine (my bro in law calls it Snowy -- but it loves playing in the dirt so much , it certainly isn't that white anymore!) was lonely!
So I picked it up, and snapped a few pics. I placed it on the car, and watched it trying to find its way down (its too tiny so it was afraid to jump). I watched it in the hope that it would find the courage to take the leap. We all have to find that courage sometimes.
My heart leapt with it. With joy of course. And pride. And a little sharmindagi at my own hesitation with so many little decisions in life..!
Khair, mum saw me. Got a HUGE scolding on how cat hair can stick to you and make you allergic etc etc etc. I ignored all that.
Came inside, and my throat felt weird. I ignored that. A while later, throat felt weirder. I ignored that.
A couple of hours later, I sat with drooping eyes, my throat aching like mad. I tried to hide it from mum. She's far tooo wise for that. She saw me at once and I again, got a nice daant.
Apparently, it is an allergic reaction. So I sit here with drooping eyes, feverish face, shadeed aching throat, and a headache.. and TWO vivas tomorrow... with the thought: -
I am DETERMINED not to be this stupid again. I am not even HOPING. I am determined(Insha Allah)..
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Although One Last Viva (The Final Year Project Viva) is still left for Friday :(..
Khair.. The day was eventful enough! The viva was okay, although I did feel pretty ashamed because he asked me what is DMZ, and I was like, "Er, Sir. This has something to do with Firewalls right?"
And he said in a surprised-i-didn't-expect-you-to-be-this-stupid voice "Yes, of course it is"
And I said "Er, I left it in the theory exam. And I do not know hence, what DMZ is"
Then he asked me something about nmap etc, and I again said very lamely that Sir, we have just prepared the theory part, not practical stuff because we were told these vivas are theory vivas.. :(
Khair, the day ended on a nice note with a lovely career counselling session by Zumbeel :).. I actually get inspired and excited about my field. Although..:( This financial crisis has made it sure that no new telecom projects are going to be funded in pakistan for the next few years..
Obviously, what do you expect .. The President (man, I can't still believe I am adding this prefix to the likes of Zardari), had this nice little meeting with Nawaz Shareef, trying his best to convey to him to chat up the Saudis so that they could lend us some money.
I truly feel like a faqeer. A bhikaari. A worthless begger.
And you know what? I have this mortifying feeling that people are not lending us money because they don't trust Zardari..........*shame faced* .. WHY did we elect him..? (I would still never say, WHYY did Mush leave! Because they both are of the same mindset)
Anyway.. Where was I? Oh yeah, the hectic day. So finally when I got free, I was in a huge hurry to get home. Thoughts like "If I drive at 70 km/h most of the way, I will be home in fifteen minutes" were roaming in my head.
But .. I was stopped by this friend of mine, who wanted a ride. Now, I know this wasn't nice, but I initially felt very irritated, simply because the ride meant i would be taking the long route home..and would certainly not reach there in fifteen minutes :)
Okay, so of course not being the one to say NO ever, I agreed. She and I set off. And started talking. We talked and talked. We reached her place in like, 2 minutes (which seemed two minutes to me but of course was wayy more than even 15 mins). We stopped where she had to get off and we talked. She stayed in the car, and we talked. The car remained there for around 10 minutes, and we talked.
I felt sooo ashamed of being even slightly irritated in the beginning. I mean, I really enjoyed the talk :)
And it was mostly on the lines of (by her own experience) "How God Doesn't put any difficulty on a human being which is MORE than his/her capacity to bear that difficulty!" And what matters in the end is nothing but HOW you deal with it :)
She is one of the young ladies I happen to admire a LOT. I did too previously, but now, after talking so much, I only admire her more. Because she has suffered circumstances which have been far from easy, most of her life. Her mum, a father/mother/brother/friend to her all at once, has had great difficulty in raising up two kids, alone.. Yet, her courage is exemplary :) Alhamdulillah!
It is inspiring to see people like her. And soo happy too now :D (there are certain things in life that brings stars in the eyes of people.. and that is soo cute :)) ..
There is always a silver lining. Always!
Friday, November 7, 2008
The viva was okay.. I got nice marks in the theories, I was told by SC teacher..
Not bad :D
Khair, this blog post I just read :(.. It was just toooooo sad. Took my breath away, the intensity with which this girl had talked about her lost love.... It brought a lump to my throat, because even if I haven't gone through this, I can STILL relate to the emotions.. and the misery she now feels.
A poem on the same blog caught my eye, and I will paste it here ..
Some pray to marry the man they love,
My prayer will somewhat vary;
I humbly pray to Heaven above
That i love the man i marry.
--Rose Pastor Stokes
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I just wish this particular time in my life would pass soon. I did not want university to end. But I want the "present" to end. I want it to end, so that I quickly look back at it, and smile ..and think "What a silly child I was"
I want to feel it. I crave that time with an intensity I have never felt before.
The state of my mind is such that yesterday night I went to you tube and out of the blue got this recipe for masala french fries by manjula's kitchen (this program -- nice lady with Indian accent -- very soothing-- a reminder that traditions still exist!)
As I saw the video of preparing masala french fries, Dad looked in.
"What are you doing?"
"Seeing the recipe for masala french fries!"
"IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR TEACHER IN THE FINAL YEAR VIVA TOMORROW??????????"
Er.. didn't see THAT coming.
Later, as I went to sleep, I was exhausted, fatigued beyond fatigued. Emotionally.
Have you ever felt so tired that you don't want to FUNCTION anymore.. yet your brain refuses to settle down and a myriad thoughts race against each other ?? It was too soon when I had to wake up for Fajr and leave for university at 8 am.
I look at the clock , and I want these damned hands to move faster. I look at my cellphone, and want to throw it in the bin. I look at my laptop and ..
Well what is all this going to achieve man.. *wry smile*
I just HAVE to study SC.. I KNOW I am going to be in trouble tomorrow.. cuz this is ONE teacher who makes one sit in his office for half an hour.. and asks stuff like "Satellite kee jaga main insan ko space main phenkoon to woh earth kee taraf giray ga to nahin??"
One of my favorite subjects though.
Everything hurts... my head feels like a hot air balloon. I'm feverish, yet cold. Got a nice scolding from mum... Apparently, if my stomach rebels and i feel like throwing up... It's MY fault..! *scowl*
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
What a relief. Theories are over. But last night was far from being celebratory ! I had to suffer remembering my idiocies in the paper, and then try to cram in as much WMCC as possible.. Toobah. It is ONE lengthy subject.
But you know what.. the viva didn't go all THAT bad. I mean.. I did not stutter. I did not get so nervous that I rambled out ANYTHING in front of the teacher. And lemme tell you, that teacher does so make me nervous.. :S.. So I did not say the first thing that came to my mind etc etc etc. AND I found out I got 73 in CCN!! The paper in which people had learnt up the solutions of those damned 250 questions from which the paper was to be made..!! I mean okay.. the highest are 78, but hellooo :D :D... I was expecting much much worse.
Thanks a load to Allah..
AND.. today I also found out some of my teachers think I should try to apply being a teacher :D.. Man.. so many things in one day. Last night I was feeling terrible about myself, and the state of the world. I was really really low... my thoughts incoherent, and my heart heavy...
But I am truly blessed. It took some harsh sounding words yesterday to make me realize that.. and today, i got PROOF of the many ways I have been blessed...
So even though I am a teeny tiny dot on this universe, my whines and their reasons being even more miniscule... LAIKIN.. Allah Listens to ALL his creatures...from the lowliest, to the giantest :):) and He Knows about all the troubles one goes through and does Help out.. only not at once. And that is the test we all have to go through...
Khair.. This reminds me of this really really nice nasheed I happen to LOVE..! Here it is :D Enjoy ... And this nasheed helps you in times of trouble too :) ...at least me...:S
Saturday, November 1, 2008
I can't concentrate on anything -- least of all studies. I have an exam on Monday, but how can I really concentrate, when all I can think of is how lonely these 34 days are going to be.
I wish I could find the heart to do something else. I wish I could have some idea of which direction I have to take now, that my studies are ending. I wish for soo many other things.. *wry smile*.... Khair..
Just read a blog post that made my day :D Thanks G.